Scare

.
When the phone rang at 11:37 PM last night, I knew it couldn't be good news. It was J calling to tell me she was bleeding. She had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and when she wiped, she saw a "good swipe" of bright red blood and more in the toilet. There hadn't been any more blood since, but she called her OB's emergency number and they told her to go to the emergency room. My husband was out of town on a business trip, and I wasn't able to reach him on his cell phone. I waited alone in that numb-but-panicked state that sets in during a crisis.

When J got to the emergency room, they found two heartbeats on doppler and checked her cervix to make sure it was closed. Then they sent her home with instructions to call her OB in the morning for follow-up. I was relieved that the babies were still alive, but I was also scared that the worst was not over. I barely slept the rest of the night. This morning, her OB asked her to come in for an ultrasound. The babys' heartrates were strong, and both had grown since Monday. They identified a possible subchorionic hemorrhage under Baby A's placenta and thought that might have been the source of the bleeding, but noted that the blood probably would have been dark instead of red. They also theorized that she might have an irritated cervix, although nothing had come into contact with her cervix over the past several days and I question whether it would start bleeding spontaneously. Either way, they were pleased with what they saw on the ultrasound and told her not to worry.

I wish I felt reassured by all of this, but my confidence in this pregnancy has been completely shaken. Just when I was beginning to feel secure in the health and viability of these babies, something like this had to happen to renew my fears that we could lose them. I haven't felt this vulnerable since the days immediately following our BFP when a pregnancy is still so tenuous. The worst part is that all I can do now is wait. It's going to take several weeks of no bleeding and a repeat ultrasound showing two babies alive and kicking before I will let my guard down again. Those are going to be some very long weeks.

Until yesterday, I had been trying to enjoy this time that my husband and I have before the babies are born... time to take a vacation together, time to get ahead at work, time to relax and do nothing... I know that our days for those kinds of activities are numbered. But now, I would give all of that up if it meant I could have our babies here safe and sound today. I would sacrifice my last months of freedom to know this is going to turn out alright.
.