Two Heartbeats!!

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Our ultrasound yesterday at 7w2d showed two embryos measuring right on schedule with heartrates at 160 and 147 bpm. Yes, it's twins!

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We are elated! I was afraid there would be no heartbeat at all, so two is such a gift! It has never been our goal to have twins, but I grew fond of the idea as our betas kept falling in twin range. I find it comforting that we have two embryos because if something were to happen to one (god forbid), this pregnancy could still result in a live baby. I know that sounds macabre, but after everything we've been through, it's hard not to fear that this miracle would be taken away from us. Most of all, I am happy for our children that they will have a sibling. We certainly can't afford to do this twice!

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I'm a bit concerned about J, though. She has always been open to carrying twins, but I feel certain she would prefer a singleton. I know the risks for her and the babies are greater with a twin pregnancy and birth as well. As if I needed another reason to worry!

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I feel like I am coming back to life. Despite my deep and nagging fears about what could still go wrong with this pregnancy, I'm trying to drink in the tremendous joy I feel right now. It's a level of happiness that doesn't come along very often, and in some ways I think is not possible without first experiencing equally intense sadness.

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I have wondered so often why infertility has happened to me and what life lessons I am meant to learn from this hardship. I have in fact learned a great deal about strength and perseverance, about conquering fears, about personal relationships (both good and bad). But, the greatest lesson of infertility for me has been gratitude. I never would have expected that I would feel grateful after three difficult years, tens of thousands of dollars, and more heartache than I could have imagined. Yet, I do. I wish no woman would have to experience infertility, or at very least that every woman who sacrifices her health, financial security, and emotional wellbeing in order to have a baby would get one in the end, but the bitter truth is it doesn't always work out that way. I know how incredibly fortunate I am to be expecting a baby, not to mention two. And while I would give a lot to have avoided all the pain I endured to get here, I still feel profoundly grateful in spite of it all.

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